Head Games

So, can I have your permission to vent here a second? I try not to use this blog to just vent without purpose. But I'm REALLY feeling the need to do that right about now. Maybe I'll accidentally say something helpful in the process.

Here's what's bugging me: people in my life who like to make comments like, "Oh, it's too bad she can't lose that weight. She's such a pretty girl." Or any of the other overweight comments that I've heard over the years, and continue to hear to some degree. And then there's the doubting Thomas comments that I hear every time I begin to see success in my weight loss journey. I hate this whole notion of being pitied or looked down upon because of my weight. I hate the downer comments that some people are so quick to spew. (And, yes, I know I'm using the word hate a lot here...but I think I really do!)

Part of why these comments irritate me so much, is that they are the EXACT things that have messed up my head for so many years! These are the things that have caused me to have a lot of these struggles I'm now fighting my way out of! AND, it just really stinks that when you're overweight...the whole world can see your struggles. They may not know exactly what has gotten you to that place, but they know that you haven't handled them well. Unlike people who struggle with other addictions, those of us who fight the food addiction battle (and whatever issues cause it to be manifested in that way) are shouting to everyone we pass that we're losing the fight. Everyone can see our issues aren't dealt with. There's no hiding this weakness.

And you know what else?! When you have as much weight to lose as I do, it really stinks that even though I'm seeing some level of success in the journey...I still look to all who see me as someone who hasn't got her head on straight. I have a LONG way to go! And most people aren't going to see the success for many, many more pounds.

This is what has made me throw in the towel so many times before. Other people's thoughtless comments have all too many times thrown me off track. Well, not this time. Somehow, not this time.

Let me tell you...this journey is ALL mental. From the finding my "why" and my "want to", to keeping myself running on the treadmill when my whole being wants to go sit down and just put it off another day. Every. Single. Thing. All mental! Some days, it's just too much to take in. That's how I'm feeling today.

I got my "Made to Crave" DVD's from UPS today. In many ways, it's been great to be able to re-visit all those sessions. I had forgotten a lot of the great things Lysa taught us! I also can tell that my appearance is showing the results on the scale (those sessions were filmed in late August...21 pounds ago for me). The struggle of watching those DVD's? Seeing just how far I have to go. How bad I really was. Hearing the prompting of the Spirit pointing out some key areas in which I have a lot more improving to do. Feeling those guilt and self-condemnation thoughts come rushing back in because of some not-so-great food choices lately. Being fully reminded once again of just HOW far the road ahead still is. Ugh. It's exhausting.

All I cay say is, today I did the best I could do. By all standards, it really was a good day! Just a brief phone call with some off-handed not-meant-to-be-hurtful comments, got me in a tailspin. There's still a lot of baggage that God has to help me work through. I guess I'm thankful right now that He only reveals a little bit at a time. And that He doesn't reveal it and then walk away. He's right here with me. I was made to crave Him. And, in fact, I do.