I feel like I'm inside an hour glass filled with sand, and someone just turned my world upside down. I can't stand up because my footing is slipping away...faster each moment. Life in our home is full of a lot of changes right now. Some are changes that have come upon family members and are just the inevitable sign of age, while others are changes that we as a family have begun to make because of the leading of God. But none of these changes are all that fun. All of them can fill me with fear and trepidation if I allow myself to get caught up into them and forget where my assurance lies. I'm having one of those moments right now.
The seemingly downward spiral of my Dad's health is filling me with such fear and even bitterness, I just don't know how to process it some days. Because my parents are the age of most of my friends' grandparents, I've always struggled with knowing I was going to walk this path earlier than most of my friends. And earlier than my brother. My brother and I grew up in practically two different generations. And no matter how long my parents live, I know that my brother will have gotten them 16 years longer than me. That has always bothered me (even though I know I can't change it), and with the current struggles of my Dad it's bothering me more than ever. I am extremely close to my parents, and the mere thought of losing them makes the floodgates open. Throw into that some actual health issues that are getting more and more a struggle for my Dad, and I turn into an emotional train wreck.
I think what is bothering me the most right now is the not knowing what we can do to help. His pulmonologist yesterday was a real jerk. The voice of doom and gloom. Doctors really shouldn't be pessimists, ya know?! Tomorrow he has another appointment with another doctor. I pray that doctor doesn't repeat the pessimism of yesterday. I pray for hope. God is the giver of hope. I pray for optimism. With God ALL things are possible. I pray for healing. God is our Jehovah Rapha.
My Dad turns 80 in a couple weeks, so I'm rounding up some older pictures to make a collage for him. They brought me back, that's for sure. I tell you what. Never mind that I'm going to be 39 in 3 days. I want my Daddy! I'm not ready to walk this path. I want my kids to have their Grandpa around for many more years. To be able to know him as well as my nephews do. I want him to kick this current problem in the butt and be around to see his 90th birthday! I want life to be normal again. Not this new normal. The old normal. Too bad it doesn't work that way.
The other changes going on in my family seem minute compared to this, but they're still fairly stressful. Change is often not fun. But I'm trying to remember that despite all these upheavals...God hasn't changed one bit. He IS my Rock and my Fortress. He has all these issues fully under control. I just need to cling to Him and let Him lead me to the next safe harbor. I know He will. That's how He rolls.
The seemingly downward spiral of my Dad's health is filling me with such fear and even bitterness, I just don't know how to process it some days. Because my parents are the age of most of my friends' grandparents, I've always struggled with knowing I was going to walk this path earlier than most of my friends. And earlier than my brother. My brother and I grew up in practically two different generations. And no matter how long my parents live, I know that my brother will have gotten them 16 years longer than me. That has always bothered me (even though I know I can't change it), and with the current struggles of my Dad it's bothering me more than ever. I am extremely close to my parents, and the mere thought of losing them makes the floodgates open. Throw into that some actual health issues that are getting more and more a struggle for my Dad, and I turn into an emotional train wreck.
I think what is bothering me the most right now is the not knowing what we can do to help. His pulmonologist yesterday was a real jerk. The voice of doom and gloom. Doctors really shouldn't be pessimists, ya know?! Tomorrow he has another appointment with another doctor. I pray that doctor doesn't repeat the pessimism of yesterday. I pray for hope. God is the giver of hope. I pray for optimism. With God ALL things are possible. I pray for healing. God is our Jehovah Rapha.
My Dad turns 80 in a couple weeks, so I'm rounding up some older pictures to make a collage for him. They brought me back, that's for sure. I tell you what. Never mind that I'm going to be 39 in 3 days. I want my Daddy! I'm not ready to walk this path. I want my kids to have their Grandpa around for many more years. To be able to know him as well as my nephews do. I want him to kick this current problem in the butt and be around to see his 90th birthday! I want life to be normal again. Not this new normal. The old normal. Too bad it doesn't work that way.
The other changes going on in my family seem minute compared to this, but they're still fairly stressful. Change is often not fun. But I'm trying to remember that despite all these upheavals...God hasn't changed one bit. He IS my Rock and my Fortress. He has all these issues fully under control. I just need to cling to Him and let Him lead me to the next safe harbor. I know He will. That's how He rolls.
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